Death and Other Misconceptions.
I was having a
cup of tea when Death tapped me on the shoulder.
- Put on your
travellin’ shoes, he said, and come with me.
- Where to?
- Wouldn’t you
like to know, he said.
Death drove up
in a pink Cadillac.
- Wanna drive?
- I’ll take my
Mazda, I said.
- No Mazdas
where you’re going, friend. Only
Cadillacs. Planted nose down in the
Cadillac graveyard. We’re hoping that in
spring they’ll sprout up, though they never do.
- Maybe you
planted them upside down.
Death rode by
in a black carriage drawn by two black horses.
He wore a black cape, and carried a sickle in his belt.
- Coming for
me? I shouted as he passed.
- Not if you
know where I can find Bergman. He said
he could use a cliche.
- Try the
horizon, I said. There’s a parade going
on over there.
Death rode in
on a scythe and landed in the hay field.
- Wanna be the
centre of your universe? he said.
He ran around
me in ever widening circles, flailing at the hay.
- That’s
better. You can’t see it, but from up
there it will look really good.
- Is that where
I’m going, up there?
- Just your
head, he said, wielding his scythe like a battle axe.
Death showed up
in a dream, wearing khaki fatigues and dripping sand.
- Time’s up, he
said.
- Already? I
said. Can’t you let me sleep in? (I
thought he was the sandman.)
- Well
alright. Just set the snooze
button. It’s opening night. You won’t want to miss the fireworks.
Peter Pan flew
in the open window and landed on my bed.
- Wait a
minute, don’t tell me. You’re not
really...
- Peter Pan, he
said. I came for my shadow.
- What shadow?
- The Between
the a’s and the b’s / Falls the Shadow shadow.
Between life and what’s next Falls the Shadow shadow. The Shadow of Death, dummy. Only mine fell... off.
- Did you try
down in the valley?
- Funny. I don’t walk.
- Like
Superman.
- Who do you
think taught him to fly?
Superman flew
into the rail on my balcony.
- Hop on, grab
onto my legs and I’ll fly you around the city while we listen to soft music and
watch the fireworks and imagine we’re in love.
- But you’re a
man.
- Super, he
said.
- Do you do
this often? I asked.
- No, but it’s
my birthday, and I need to get out more.
Besides, I made a wish. Get
it? A death-wish.
- Super, I
said.
- There’s no
such thing as Superman, you know.
Superman is really just me in a Superman outfit. I used to dress up as the Grim Reaper on
Hallowe’en, but people said, Oh, it’s that guy dressed up as Superman dressed
up as the Grim Reaper.
The Angel of
Death flew by on black wings, without any clothes. He swirled his net above my head like a
lasso.
- Have you seen
my telephone booth?
- There’s one
at the end of the tunnel.
- There’s a lot
of things at the end of the tunnel. No
good to me, I’m claustrophobic, and besides, my eyes are shot; I can’t take
bright light.
- Shall I get
it for you? I asked.
- Don’t lie to
me. You just want to go there so you can
tell everyone you came back.
- Pot calling
the kettle black?
Death beckoned
me to cross over to the other side.
- Of what? I
asked. Looks the same over there.
- Wait till you
get there, he said.
- If you don’t
mind, I’ll wait here.
I asked Death
- Why do you get to choose?
- Haven’t you
been at a rock concert where you can’t actually hear the bass, you can just
feel it jump-start your heart and jiggle your eyeballs, and the bottom drops
out of everything normal, and you think God, this is what Death must be like?
And then some guy in the band picks up a guitar and strikes the first chord and
brings you crashing back into this world. It’s not like the bass quit, it’s
just that it’s not the whole story; it drives the story, but it’s not it.
That’s Death, man. A bass beat. Deal with it.
- Deal or No
Deal. So who comes for you, huh?
- The ice man.
Death’s list of
undervalued benefits:
- an end to
your student loan, the mortgage, spam, telemarketing calls, and the India
Pakistan cricket final.
- an end to
worrying about whether it will rain tomorrow.
No one likes sloshing around in the mud with an AK-47. Then again, if it doesn’t rain, the Taliban
will be killing the coalition soldiers, the Americans will be killing the
Iraqis, the insurgents will be blowing up themselves and anyone nearby, the
Syrians will be killing each other, the Palestinians and the Israelis will be
thinking about killing each other, and I’ll have bigger fish to fry.
Death rode by
in a red wheelbarrow.
- I am the
source of life, he said. Depend on
it. It’s not for nothing that death
rhymes with breath, or birth, well almost.
- You’re a load
of shite, I replied.
- Right, he
said.
Death is really
a Tarot card, the thirteenth enigma (no variation).
- It’s the
twelfth year; Jupiter has turned back toward the constellation of Cancer. I am the end of an era, he said.
Then he died.
The references: How many did you
get?
Put on your
travellin’ shoes - a Delta Blues tune about death callin’ on a person.
Cadillac
graveyard - in Amarillo, Texas, featured in Life Magazine circa 1961
Ingmar
Bergman’s famous scene of Death leading a parade along the horizon in The Seventh Seal, I think.
Obviously, crop
circles.
The sandman and
fireworks are from Desert Storm
Falls the
Shadow - from T S Eliot’s The Hollow Men
Yea though I
walk through the valley of the shadow of death - 21st Psalm
the light at
the end of the tunnel - “near death” experiences
The Ice Man Cometh - Eugene O’Neil’s play
The effect of
weather on war - in Jeremy Clarkson’s column for the Sunday Times
William Carlos
Williams’ The Red Wheelbarrow
shite - manure
- a traditional symbol of death spawning life
no variation -
Elgar’s Enigma Variations
